RATHER THAN regretting her mistakes, the New Single Mother revels in them. She dotes on her little one, has sex with many men in search of elusive perfection, and publicly trashes the father of her child. She forms networks with other single mothers, who help each other normalize the abnormal and defiantly proclaim they don’t need men.

This bravado does not hide their unhappiness. Look closely and you will see. And, it will never give their children one of the things they want most: a father.

 

 

A reader named Tim sent me the link to the Ms. Single Mama blog.

Tim writes:

This is a woman whose marriage failed and now she has a young son. She is divorced and involved in another relationship with a better man. She even posts videos of them together for everyone to see. He seems like a good, straightforward and altogether honest fellow. My problem is that her actions have ripple effects, which effect not only her, but her new boyfriend and even his parents and family. Is it just me, or does the thought of sitting around the dinner table with one’s girlfriend and her son from another man, as well as his parents and grandparents seem awkward and uncomfortable, in a nervous, forced, and underarm-sweat kind of way? Don’t parents and grandparents deserve to witness their own biological offspring grow up? Am I being selfish? I ask because, to be completely honest, I don’t know. Personally, to me her blog is off-the-charts narcissism.

Have people forgotten that for every action there is an equal opposing reaction? There are consequences. It literally breaks my heart to see a man get duped -and to witness it on an blog with videos and photographs. Anyway, my hope is that you will confirm that I am not way out to lunch, that I am indeed accurate in my character assessment. Perhaps you will disagree. In any event, I am writing you because from what I have read on your blog, you are of sound judgment.

The other blog is written by another career woman with a son she chose to have out of wedlock. Now she has a new boyfriend and they are both obsessed with exercise and working out. A couple of problems I have with this particular blog is again, I feel the man does not have a clue of his place or role in society. He is a childless and unmarried man ‘having a relationship’ with this woman and it appears to be a soulless, mindless exercise – all for the whole world to see, with pictures and videos. He seems to be a directionless man, purposeless. She, conversely, is in control, ’empowered.’ She has a son so she already has ‘purpose’. Recently she posted a column and included a picture of her flexing her back muscles. Again, I ask you, am I crazy? What has happened to the modern woman? No one cares – no one will ever care – if a woman has back muscles. I am utterly speechless.

In the final analysis, these two blogs have these results:

1. Two men (the boyfriends) purposeless, directionless and emasculated.

2. Two empowered women? Back muscles  – who cares?

3. No marriage/no traditional respect paid to parents and grandparents.

When I see blogs like these I genuinely worry. Can society survive without replacing the stock with noble and virtuous young people? I understand the drive for personal autonomy and freedom. But at the expense of everyone? Even grandparents?

Laura writes:

I have not included the link to the second blog. The woman struck me as too unhappy.

I basically agree with your characterizations. In defense of these women, no one has ever prepared them to be wives or mothers, and they’ve landed in adulthood as if it were an alien planet. That said, I cannot excuse their publicly insulting the fathers of their children. This is the ultimate betrayal of a child, not to mention a man whom one has loved, and it will come back to haunt them when their little boys are adolescents and men.

I also find the way in which Ms. Single Mama  is openly encouraging other women to leave their husbands or boyfriends outrageous.

Tim writes:

I was brought up in a traditional household where my parents were Catholic and I had to attend Mass each Sunday. After I grew up and moved out I stopped going to Mass. However, lately I am becoming fearful. Not enough to lose sleep, of course. But enough to read your blog and write to you and concur that so far it seems to me the results of feminism are quite bitter to swallow. My sister was married for one year and her husband left her. I never blamed my sister -that would be cruel. However, it should also be mentioned she was raised to have a career and not to marry until her career was established. She was never going to be a housewife and even told me she thought it to be repugnant. My point is something got lost in the transference of culture from one generation to the next. Everyone was hurt was she got divorced. I’m a big guy, over six feet tall and it really busted me up inside when she took down her wedding photos that were hanging on her wall. Something has been perverted in the meaning of having a career, something that I never anticipated, only perhaps a genius could perceive: A dual income household allows house prices to be artificially inflated, to reflect the new buying power of the local community. A vicious cycle ensues. I never saw it coming. My gut instinct as a male is that he left her because when you come home to to a modern woman today, you are not actually coming home to a woman: You’re coming home to a man.

This would all be fine if it were just my opinion, wouldn’t it? If it were just an isolated incident? But what if it is not? What if, as I suspect, this very personal experience of mine can be extrapolated to the larger nation as a whole, and my fears are indeed, founded?

I guess what I am really trying to say is, I don’t feel this subject can be taken lightly anymore, the subject of feminism. This is not to say as so many feminists would assert that I am anti-woman or a misogynist. Not at all. What I am saying is when it becomes a matter of public health, law, order and good government, when all these structures fall apart before our eyes, we need to say something. I don’t know what we can do, but something must be said. The fact that my sister now is too old for children I am sure has broken my parents’ hearts. A nation of unmarried adults frozen permanently in courtship and serial monogamy is sad. No, it is pathetic. I will go further, it actually scares me. I wouldn’t write you if I were not actually scared.

Laura writes:

You have every reason to be frightened for our world. Now that you see what you see, it is wrong for you not to express these views to others. You participate in the decline of your own society if you do not. You have a duty to resist in any way possible.

No one is entitled to neutrality or excused from responsibility except the ignorant.

Mark writes:

This reminds me of an encounter I had last summer. It was with a guy in his early 20’s, handsome, well-built, ethnic type. He was wearing a pair of sunglasses and a T-shirt with the following caption: “I Support Single Moms.” Underneath was a graphic showing a silhouette of a woman pole-dancing. 

Having visited her site and read a few of its pearls of wisdom, I’d say that T-shirt just about sums up the Alaina Sheers of the world.

Rita writes:

Those “proud single women” are whistling in the dark. If they could only have a crystal ball and see themselves at age 50, sleeping alone and bitterly observing men their age still dating younger women, they might think twice about squandering their youth and their opportunities for marriage. It’s absolutely abhorrent when children are neglected while so-called parents seek the eternal youth that excessively working out offers and doesn’t deliver. Wonder if the son of “back muscles” is taking ADD or anxiety meds yet?

My only hope is that the recession in the U.S. will bring people back to the things matter in the long term like God, Family and Country. In the meantime, please keep speaking out about these issues. Maybe a few young women and the families who love them can be saved.

David writes:

I just wanted to say that blogs such as the one you most recently presented, Ms. Single Mamaby Alaina Sheer, are enormously frightening to me. As I shared with you previously, I am a 24 year-old man who is of course looking forward to marriage — marriage as a vocation, as the life work given to me by God. Naturally I intend this to be a successful endeavor. I expect to have a loving, intimate, enduring relationship with my wife, and together with her, to create a home that is an oasis of sanity and rectitude in a lunatic world, a haven where our children can thrive and mature. Of course I cannot do this without the aid of my wife; without her, my dream will be impossible. 

But I hear things all the time about marriages that really scare me. Most divorces are initiated by women. When women divorce, some do shockingly nasty things, like emptying their ex-husbands’ pockets as completely as the courts will allow and mercilessly blocking access to the children they formerly raised together. The cruelty, selfishness, and vindictiveness demonstrated in these cases is impossible for me to fathom. I am certainly cruel sometimes, and selfish and vindictive as well, and I have said regrettable things on the basis of these passions; but I could hardly live with myself if I tormented my ex-wife so, even if she had treated me very poorly. In any event, what I am saying of course is that I do not want to be the object of such treatment — of such remorseless and enduring injustice, of the complete shattering of my dreams and hopes, of such intimate and unapologetic betrayal. Of the devastation of my children’s young lives. 

And the blog you mentioned — Ms. Single Mama — oh, my goodness! What is the matter with this woman? How deluded can she be? Does she care at all about the well-being of her son? Does it occur to her what damage she might be doing to him, this young boy whom she claims — quite pitifully! — is the center of her universe? How selfish! 

Examples such as these of marriages and lives ruined by women like Alaina Sheer are almost enough to convince me to forget about marriage. Almost. I believe in God, and I know it is my job to do whatever He asks. Still, having heard so many stories of the destruction wrought by women like her, I am terrified of marriage. When I stand before the altar facing my bride, I am going to make a sacred vow to give my entire life to her. She will pronounce the words that indicate the same commitment. Will she mean them? How will I know? Will she have the integrity to understand the commitment implied by those words? Will she stand by me when the going gets rough, when we disagree, when we get bored? Or will I one day find myself seated at the dinner table staring at divorce papers while my so-called wife impatiently wags a pen at me? Will I have discovered, much too late, that I have married proud Ms. Single Mama, Center of the Universe? 

I want to take as my spouse a woman who is virtuous, who loves God, who loves children and the idea of raising them with me. I want a woman who understands what love requires (work and sacrifice, an evolution of self). I want a woman who looks forward to sitting with me at breakfast one day in our old age, while the morning sun shines brightly through the windows, and chats with me about everything we’ll have gone through together, about the happy moments, the unhappy ones, the defeats, the struggles, and the victory of enduring, selfless love — our love, rooted deep in the heart of Jesus. 

Anyway, I don’t mean to paint in too broad strokes, Laura. I know there are good women out there, and I know good women also struggle to find good men who won’t betray them. I’m just writing from the perspective of a man somewhat belatedly seeking to get married and achieve a vocational dream which I hope will be a dazzling success.

Laura writes:

You are 24 years old. Do you know how many thirtysomething and middle-aged men wish they could go backward and know what you know? They are the unlucky ones. It’s the unsuspecting who lose out, but you already know what you face and there are certain things you can bear in mind as you look for a wife.

Ask yourself these questions, which are not listed in order of their importance, about any woman you are interested in:

1.   Does she talk about herself obsessively?

2.   Does she veer between exuberance and tears?

3.   Does she believe in homosexual “marriage” (a tip off that she has no idea what marriage is)?

4.   Does her father seem indifferent to what she does?

5.   Does she have children?

6.   Is she aggressively pretty? 

7.   Does she have a group of  friends who exult in girly togetherness?

8.   Does she have a career instead of a job?

9.   Does she lift weights and pursue an exhausting exercise regimen?

10. Is she incapable of reading a book by a man? 

11. Does she disbelieve in the existence of God?

12. [See Kristor’s comment below]

Try to find someone for whom you can answer no on all of these questions, especially #11 and #5. She is out there and worth finding. 

Gail Aggen writes:

While it is comforting for us to express to one another in safe places like your blog our concerns, dismay, and as the one gentleman expressed, fear about what is happening to our world, we need to do more. At least eventually. I feel very uncomfortable when I think about this, because the clock is ticking.

Many of us are writing and trying to be of influence on our own blogs, and one hopes, in our own lives, but I fear that time is slipping away. I mean, you can bring your sons up to respect what is good and right and true, but they will eventually be seeking friends and mates from an overwhelming number of peers who come from the new matriarchy, or whatever you want to call it.

I do not believe, like so many, that we have reached an irreversible tipping point, but how can we be more effective agents of that change? I have forayed at times onto hostile sites and expressed my opinion in an evangelizing way, and I really do not care if I am vilified or mocked. I do care, but not enough to stop doing it. I think we have to “break in with an important message from our sponsor (God, ultimately)” to the culture at large, in an inviting, “I would love for you to have what I have, because its so good!” sort of way. We should be doing this in our everyday contacts as well. 

That, and go over their heads, so to speak, and pray, pray, pray for the veil to be lifted off this deceived and deluded people, and for their poor children.

And today, I am feeling like a failure, because yesterday, I was waiting with my husband in the “same day” surgery clinic at a Navy hospital. From behind the curtains next to us, I could hear a medical provider discussing with a man his impending surgery – a vasectomy. The man admitted he was a bit nervous. Yes, I know I should not have been eavesdropping, but I heard it. When they emerged from the curtains I beheld a young, white couple who obviously were still in their twenties. I was just sick to my stomach thinking about that, because I actually wanted to go over there and try to talk them out of that. Which would be an egregious breach of their privacy and an outrageously inappropriate thing to do.

I realized later, but of course it didn’t matter, that they must have heard the nurse asking how long my husband and I had been married (29 years) and how we have five children and she expressed how nice she thought that was. They must have heard all that and how we agreed that indeed, it is very nice. I am sure the young man went on and had himself sterilized yesterday, and I only wish that there could have been someone in the days leading up to this who could have been an appropriate influence for the good.

Gail adds:

I know that sterilization was always discouraged in the past for young people or for those who had not had children. Don’t know if the policy has been changed or just that things have sort of drifted. My neighbor’s daughter, however, was being encouraged to have a tubal ligation. She was about 21 years old, living with her boyfriend and on Medicaid when she gave birth at a Boston hospital. I think the reasons for the staff doing this are obvious, but I believe, still morally wrong. I was taught that babies are a blessing from the Lord, regardless of the circumstances of how they get here.

Here is one more sad story for the Trifecta of sad stories from Gail today. We knew a young man whom I will call Jim, who at the age of 17 impregnated his girlfriend. Although the girl did not really want to have an abortion (her father and sister sided with her), her mother insisted she do it. She did. Jim’s father (Mom not in the picture) was just as happy as not to be rid of it, too. Well, right after New Year’s this year, he and a friend (whom we also knew) were fooling around with prescription meds and rum and coke and were found dead the next morning in the other boy’s bedroom. Jim’s father is absolutely heartbroken, as I am sure the other boy’s parents are. But I wonder if he will ever think of the baby, the only offspring his son would have ever had, and hence the only grandchild and the future of his family’s line? Does the girl, whom we know is grieving for Jim, ever ponder this? Is it terribly cruel for me to even wonder?

Mark writes:

On one level, I share Gail Aggen’s dismay at that young couple deliberately opting to forego having children. Culturally, demographically, it portends a disaster. But on another level — particularly after reading Miss Hot Mama’s blog — I wish more of these people would simply opt out. 

In a sense, I can see where having children actually goes some way to forcing people to confront their immaturity, their selfishness, and to deal with the brutal facts of life — which are, as Margaret Thatcher said, conservative. So it could have a beneficial effect. But that presupposes they stay together and make their marriage work, for the benefit of something higher than themselves (their children, for one thing). 

When we consider how easy it is to just get a divorce once we discover our “prince turned into a frog” (to use Miss Princess Pole Dancer’s lingo), and especially how single motherhood is almost a badge of honor among the “sisterhood,” I have to ask: why should we want these people to breed? Let them spend their days skiing in Tahoe, coasting down the Seine, spending their Wendesday nights at book-reading clubs, their Saturday nights at wine-sipping parties, their Sunday mornings in coffee houses … but for heaven’s sake, don’t be bringing anymore poor little Benjamins into the world — ruining their lives and our society in the process.

Laura writes:

But Benjamin may have his own way with all this in the end. There is still hope for him. 

Mark writes:

That’s true, but the opposite may hold true, too. I sometimes wonder what will be the mentality of children who owe their existence to mommy hooking up chemically with an anonymous sperm donor. Seriously! I mean, yes, they may have normal lives, but just think of how they’ll look at life, and what they’ll do. I know there are no guarantees in life, but when you mess with nature this much, the possibilities of a Frankenstein are surely increased. 

Likewise with this situation, yes, Benjamin could one day grow up to be a normal kid, particularly if he consciously rejects the choices his mother made. There have been instances of this. But imagine a whole slew of kids like Benjamin, raised jointly by daycare professionals and by mommy and her latest boyfriend, part of the liberal managerial complex, told ad nauseum that their mother loves them so much that she gave them the best possible life by getting rid of Mr. Prince-turned-Frog … Maybe they’ll just follow the pattern downward. I’m just sayin’.

Mark adds:

Following up on my last, I hasten to add I am not advocating abortion or suggesting that Benjamin is to be regarded as only the sum of his mother’s choices. Every person has value and is responsible for his own choices, and yes some do overcome. I’m just saying I wouldn’t place my hopes for our culture’s renewal in a generation of children raised by these types of people, nor would I expect them to reject en masse the choices made by their progenitors.

Laura writes:

It is depressing. To think of so many children acculturated into this anti-human, individualistic free-for-all. But to say that at least some of the Benjamins of the world won’t resist and react is to assume there is no fundamental human nature, no absolute right and wrong to which people respond no matter what their circumstances. There’s no guarantee of renewal with them, but there is reason to hope for it. 

Kristor writes:

This is a compelling thread. I plan to send your quiz to my son, who is a freshman at college. I think the quiz will help him a great deal. So far as we know, he has never yet been involved with a girl, even emotionally. He is a very attractive young man, of the tall blond muscular Nordic variety. So I’m sure he could cut a wide swath if he wanted to. But he says almost all the girls he knows at college are “sluts.” His revulsion and contempt thereat are profound; his lip literally curls. So you could add question 12: Has she had numerous sexual partners? This would be 3rd most important, I should think.

Which leads to a thought. We have all heard of alpha and beta males. What is an alpha female? A pretty, intelligent girl who is chaste.

Laura writes:

Yes, you are right. That question should be on the list. Even if a girl is not honest, you can usually tell.

By the way, Kristor’s son may be in the vanguard of change. When a tall blond muscular Nordic type curls his lip at promiscuity, girls may undergo profound philosophical transformations. 

Katy writes:

This is just by the bye, not a response to the whole discussion on “Ms. Single Mom,” but one (I presume male) commenter made much of what he seemed to think the ridiculous notion of back muscles on women. Who cares?, he said. Who cares indeed. A woman who’s been through childbirth cares, that’s who. Labor and delivery, even in their modern medicated iterations, are NOT for the weak or the frail.

I suppose my interlocutor’s point was just to comment on the vanity of caring about what one’s back muscles look like, and perhaps the (debatable) immodesty of ever showing them. But those of us who plan to push out more children care very much about the care and feeding of our back muscles, and of a good many others besides.

Laura writes:

Back muscles are essential. But, yes, I think, the blogger in question viewed her muscles as a status symbol.

N.W. writes:

Kristor writes, “has she had numerous sexual partners?”

Slim to none on virgins these days, I presume?

Laura writes:

Make that, has she had any sexual partners?