REGINA HESS writes:

I printed off a copy of a craft project (a paper cut-out of Paris which my children love to play with!) from this gentleman’s website. Browsing his blog I found a seven-minute clip from his appearance on the Martha Stewart Show. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised by his soft-spoken, gentle demeanor and mannerisms.  Here is a man who is a stay-at-home dad for his three children while his wife works as a physician.  He finds joy in creating doll houses and other crafty things for his children to play with.  While on one hand, the interest in delighting his children is admirable; the total lack of all things manly is disturbing.  Even more disturbing was that Martha’s entire studio audience was made up of stay-at-home dads with their children.  “We’ve come a long way, baby” and it’s shows like these that underscore the fact that it is the wrong way.

— Comments —

Sarah writes:

 It bothers me when I see main stream media applauding stay-at-home fathers whilst looking down their noses at women who do the same thing. If a woman gushes about how much she loves staying at home with her children, caring for their daily needs, creating fun crafts with them, and cooking for them then she is treated as a second class citizen. People think there must be something wrong….or at least she must be simple-minded because she doesn’t pursue her own education, happiness, ect. Men are applauded for taking on this much needed role, while women are repeatedly made to feel inferior if they choose to stay at home in the role of homemaker.

The other day I had to run into the bank to handle something for my husband, and the woman helping me asked what I do for a living. When I told her that I stay at home with my children she did a double take, and seemed to express a mixture of annoyance and amazement. She actually asked me if I get bored and what on earth I do all day! It hurt my feelings a little, but I took it as an opportunity to stand up for the role of the homemaker. And here you have a stay-at-home father who is applauded for being a super dad. Incredible. If a woman went on national television to celebrate her role as homemaker, wife, and mother she would be lambasted from every side.

Laura writes:

I wholeheartedly agree.

Pan Dora writes:

Sarah writes: “If a woman went on national television to celebrate her role as homemaker, wife, and mother she would be lambasted from every side.”

Not necessarily. If you are Michelle Duggar you get your own TV series.

Laura writes:

That’s true. Maybe by the time Sarah has nineteen children (which would be great) the people at the bank won’t ask what she does all day.

Samson writes:

Sarah says:

“If a woman gushes about how much she loves staying at home with her children, caring for their daily needs, creating fun crafts with them, and cooking for them then she is treated as a second class citizen. People think there must be something wrong….or at least she must be simple-minded because she doesn’t pursue her own education, happiness, etc.”

This is true, but I wasn’t going to comment on it until Sarah said that her feelings were hurt. I simply want to tell Sarah that she is not alone. I have always been slightly contemptuous of our society’s attitude towards mothering, but I began to DESPISE our anti-family culture when my wife was pregnant with our second child and she would occasionally come home in tears because people made inappropriate comments to her about that. She is also sometimes made to feel “lesser” because she enjoys raising our children, even though she is a very intelligent woman and I know full well that she works hard most days! “What does a stay-at-home mom do all day now that we have laundry machines” is the question of someone without kids.

Sarah responds:

Thank you, Samson, for the encouragement. 

Michelle Duggar’s TV show is one of the few shows we watch with our children, and we can’t get enough of her! It should be noted that she does indeed receive a lot of criticism in general from many different angles. She has her own show, but mainstream America does not hold her up as an icon of what a woman should be. She is regarded as an oddity, and lumped into the category of “strange, odd things.” Our culture regards her sweet, wholesomeness as seen in the show and they may possibly think, “She is so nice. Good for her.” But those same people will not view her lifestyle favorably. Nor will the good, hard work of homemaking be viewed with appreciation. She has her own show, yes….because of her piety, selflessness, love, and purity of heart America finds her very strange. People watch, but they don’t endorse or emulate. However, I do hope that her example shines out and I do think that her life has touched many people.

I also had a thought about the homemaker. Even if the world around her family is full of chaos, upheaval, and struggle her husband can return home every day to her…like she is the last standing bastion of rest. The more I read of the experiences of others and the more I live as a wife I realize this. Wherever I am, that is home. I can’t help but create “home” around me. All the extras of life are nice and good…but when all those extra things are in a state of upheaval it is the woman at home who grounds the family and surrounds them with warmth. If I had 19 children, then people would pat me on the back and say, “I understand why you have to stay at home.” Being a young married woman I only have two young children currently, and it’s just as important to be at home for them as it would be if I had 19. It may be a fantasy, but I really wish I lived in a time and place where women were raised to see why being a homemaker was so important. You have to be smart, you have to have strong resolve, you have to be strong in every way. Being a homemaker is sort of like channeling the old pioneer spirit. We live in an era where we have so few example of truly beautiful, capable women who virtuously raised families and forged ahead alongside husbands to accomplish great things. It is a contradictory time in which men are praised and petted for choosing to stay at home with their children, and women are flatly advised no to “do” the maternal thing anymore. Our culture has Michelle Duggar, whom they watch with astonishment and circus freak curiosity, but they don’t appreciate her.

Buck writes:

I offer a somewhat different perspective with some trepidation. I harbor a mixture of embarrassment, pride and insight. My only son (soon 23) was unplanned and shockingly unexpected. His mother was the quintessential “career” woman. I married at age 40 with no intention (that’s putting it mildly) of having children. That was not why we married. My son’s mother stopped birth control without warning. Fast forward to my terrific son’s birth, and I’m a different man. I’m the father that I never wanted to be. My son’s mother is adamant about returning to work immediately. After dozens of inspections, interviews and facility visits, my mind is made up. If she’s not staying home, I am. There was no way that any of those people were going to raise my son. I quit my job and spent the next 18 months raising my son. It was life changing for me. I knew though, well before my son’s birth, that my marriage was over. We divorced when my son was nine. 

I live right now in my fifth residence since then, never more than 1000 paces from my son’s front door. I’ve walked it a 1000 times. The earliest years, after the state forced me from my son’s home and took control, were the worst of my life. I didn’t handle it perfectly. But, I fought relentlessly for time with my son. I coached him in three sports every year and built stage sets at his school and attended every event that he did. Every time he looked around I was there. I was the parent from hell; emails, phone calls and walk-ins. I could see it in the teachers and administrators eyes every time they saw me coming. But, they got used to me. 

I never imagined being a father, much less “Mr. Mom.” It was the last thing that I wanted. Yet now, I can’t imagine not being my son’s “Pop.” I wouldn’t change that first year and a half with my son for anything in the world.

Laura writes:

There is nothing wrong with a father taking care of his children when his wife is unable or unwilling to care for them. Indeed, it is good. But it is not a workable model for the overwhelming majority of families. The real intention behind the celebration of stay-at-home fathers is to encourage female careerism. 

I am going to reserve comment on the conditions under which you married, except to say something that you have probably long since realized: a marriage made with the intention of not having children is not a marriage in anything but name. Your story is a reminder of how birth control prevents people from finding themselves. Imagine if your wife had not stopped using contraceptives for a time. Imagine the millions of wonderful accidents that have never occurred.

Buck writes:

You’re kind, but you don’t need to be delicate. I judged myself foolish, stupid and destructive long ago. I married for no good reason. I watched my older sister marry as a legal formality when she got pregnant right out of high school in the early 60s. My niece has never seen her father, and relied on my new stepfather to fill that role. Soon after that, my year-older brother’s only marriage ended childless in less than a year. He’s living out his life alone. For twenty of those years our father lived 30 minutes away, and we barely knew he was alive. He died and was buried several states away from any part of his life, when the three of us learned of it. I married a year later. I found all the “love” that I needed, being young, healthy and suicidal during the go-go 70s and 80s. Then, I decided to marry for companionship, and chose a women very different than women that I thought I had loved. I’m amazed that it has worked out as well as it has. It’s taken me years to understand and to be ashamed.

Laura writes:

The “go-go 70s and 80s.”

The World War II generation is often called The Greatest Generation.

But what’s so great about people who produced The Go-Go Generation? 

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