ANDREW L. writes:

As a recent graduate of an Ivy League college, I find Mary Eberstadt’s recent Wall Street Journal piece about the sexual revolution and its negative effects familiar.  I can attest to a sense of shell-shock as a freshman. My first few weeks were quite an education, as freshman girls, nervous, anxious, and eager to make friends, were exposed for the first time to co-ed living, alcohol, and freedom from parental supervision. True to the ethos of our new sexual era, the bathrooms are co-ed, with shared sinks, giving men a window into women at their worst. Starting Thursday night, the sinks are often clogged with vomit, either from overdrinking or bulimia. And the atrocious sexual-harassment seminar during freshman orientation primes men and women to expect as from each other as possible.

But underneath the chaos, there is a solid minority that rejects this. I would encourage anyone at a major college to attend a Christian fellowship. Theologically, they are products of their times, carefully treading a moderate path as a halfway-house between secular hedonism and Christian orthodoxy. But as a cultural refuge, they are excellent. Here you will find those who have instinctively rejected the secular sexual jungle. Now, as a red-blooded male, I am aware of the realities of intersexual politics. Even good Christian girls are not attracted to mousy men who only study and go to church. A man has to maintain his fluency and familiarity with the campus jungle, to demonstrate his ability to protect a woman from it, and to maintain his social status among his peers. Christian women face their own struggles and pressures. You will find them at campus parties, in small black dresses with too much eyeshadow, tagging along behind their more audacious friends, nursing their one drink for the night, before leaving early.

A male student should seek to identify these fellow-travelers, who are in this world but not of it. These women are not necessarily less attractive then their brazen counterparts. The most beautiful are just as attractive as the most beautiful found anywhere. Perhaps in the darkness of a party, aggressive sexual marketing will enhance the mediocre, but in the light of day, all is revealed. A worthy wife can still be found, but he will have to look in a parallel campus universe.

Virginity. Yes, it matters. Both my fiancee and I have never had sex. This can cause grief for a man, particularly in college, by other men. I found that the best solution is to answer these questions simply and directly. Men (or at least men who are worth calling friends) generally give a respectful distance to each other, even if they regard your behavior as aberrant. They may find you strange, but you will not lose their esteem. As for women, the reaction is polarizing. Some are repelled, but some are intrigued. I actually had a small group of female dorm-mates approach me and ask me directly if I would consider marrying a non-virgin. My answer was not a forthright as I would have liked, but I said, in the flippant tone of my generation, that while virginity isn’t a requirement, it certainly couldn’t hurt. They were satisfied with that answer. As for female pressure on virgin women, I couldn’t comment. But I suspect that most of the pressure is a desire to despoil and sabotage.

Men universally value sexually-promiscuous women less than their chaste counterparts. This is beyond doubt. They may temporarily pretend to enjoy their company to get what they want. Now, certain allowances can be made for physical attractiveness, personality, and even family history. Believe it or not, men are actually quite perceptive to the vulnerabilities of women. More than one of my friends withheld his criticism of certain women because they grew up as insecure pretty girls in fatherless homes. “What can you expect?” he said. Women are not privy to the conversations of men among men.

The sex-promotion culture is truly insane in college campuses, beyond what wider society can imagine. The Vagina Monologues and slut-walks are just the most visible aspects. The social pressure cannot be understated. To give one last example, most LGBT groups will pass-out little placards with words to the effect of “LGBTs are welcome here.” You are supposed to pin them to your door as a sign of tolerance. It is ostensibly an voluntary act, but in practice, it is not. If all doors have them, and yours does not, your omission is noticed. It will be up to your son to decide what to do in these cases.

                                            — Comments —

James P. writes:

I was thinking about the subject today, and it was depressing me. How do you teach a daughter to value and guard her virtue in a world that doesn’t value virtue, and when so many of her friends and acquaintances will be promiscuous as a matter of course? I’d be interested to hear what parents of teenage daughters have to say about this.

Laura writes:

I don’t have a teenage daughter but I can tell you one thing I know is true. The fact that you care about this issue as a father makes an enormous difference. Women who do not receive affection and affirmation from their fathers are much more likely to seek casual sexual relationships that affirm their femininity. And a girl who has a father who explains the basics of male psychology – i.e., that a future husband will value chastity in his wife and that a man will not necessarily love her more over the long run if she has sex with him right away — is much more likely to be cautious.

                                                  — Comments —

Mrs. H. writes:

I would add two things to Andrew’s insightful comments about college life. First, it’s important to find a church to attend. Campus fellowships, while useful in a general way, are no substitute for church. Groups like InterVarsity Fellowship and Campus Crusade for Christ are pandering to the college aged group; while made up of Christians, they do not provide the diversity or experience or wisdom that a regular congregation does. Often those groups’ message is focused on “college issues”–a church will tell you all about your sins (or should) and then all about forgiveness in Christ (and offer it in confession and absolution and the sacrament of the altar, if your tradition teaches those things), and expose you to a community quite outside the “college experience.” College kids–even the Christian ones–are quite self-centered. It’s good to see “real” life lived outside the campus. (By the way, if any of your readers know a college kid attended their church, many miles from home, they should consider inviting him or her over for dinner after Sunday service.)

Often the last thing a parent and his child will consider is what church said child will attend while 300–2,000 miles away from home. In fact, if the parent is concerned for his child’s spiritual welfare, he should only consider those colleges with a faithful church nearby, and there should be healthy communication between the parent and pastor or priest concerning the child, if need be.

I am not disparaging college fellowships or bible studies. I met my own husband at IVCF, but at a community college, while we were both living at home and attending our parents’ churches. The culture in college fellowships is usually very emotions driven, and can actually set kids up for failure when they are tempted. When every emotional barrier/intimacy is encouraged in small groups, to show authenticity or honesty, or true faith, what’s left but physical intimacy? I have seen many, many good Christian college students fall to temptation because of the emotionally-driven atmosphere at those fellowships.

The second point is parents should be very sensitive to each child’s spiritual maturity. I don’t know why some parents think every one of their children will be ready at 17 or 18 to leave home for months at a time, to face a plethora of temptations (both physical and spiritual). My parents (mom especially) felt it was imprudent to “send her daughter’s away” until they are given in marriage. So my sisters and I attended schools within driving distance (I have no brothers). (Of course, attending community college and local schools helps with tuition costs, too.) My husband and I are not as dogmatic as my mom is about this, but we will consider if each child is ready to leave as the time approaches. A mature child I trust could really leave home for 3 months at a time, as long as I entrust him to a good pastor and maybe a have a family adopt him in his new town (or paying a family or older couple for room and board instead of living in a dorm). For other children it may be better to wait two years, attend classes at a community college, then go away. Some may never leave home to go to a 4-year school.

To summarize my long winded comment: When thinking about where your kid will attend college, 1) consider what sorts of churches are nearby and 2) consider the student’s personal readiness.

Finally, this is something parents of toddlers and babies should be preparing for. Many parents immediately begin saving or investing money for their newborn’s college education. They should also begin training and raising their children for adulthood (college or not).

Andrew writes:

I agree entirely that regular church attendance is essential, to receive some amount of contact with the outside world. I must confess that my own church attendance lapsed for a period about about 1 1/2 years during my four years. For the sleep-deprived student with an irregular schedule, the temptation to sleep-in very strong.

Without condoning this behavior, we should recognize the vital role of campus-based fellowships, as theologically-hazy as they might be. Fellowship implies a shared experience or identity, and this is what they provide. Churches vary widely in their approach to local college students. Some have “youth groups”, or “young adult service”, which are little better than the fellowships in providing mature spiritual guidance. Some churches simply place the college students in the main congregation. This is the best solution, and the one I ultimately chose, although it certainly isn’t a popular one among students. Churches can be blissfully unaware of the issues Christian students face, which limits their effectiveness. When your whole world is a giant zoo, you are unlikely to take advice from someone who has never seen animals. Again, I do not want to imply that church is optional. But I want to describe how difficult it is, and how campus fellowships can fill-in the gaps.

Maturity is an interesting topic. I think, with enough early preparation, children can rise to the challenge. Due to family circumstance, I knew, from age 12, that I would be attending college an ocean away from home. The mental preparation in the intervening years hardened me for this task. Due to the extreme distance, the first time my parents set foot on my campus was when I graduated. Such was their confidence.

Finally, a quick note. I am not unsympathetic to the situation college women find themselves in. Nor do I condemn the sexually-active or consider them less than children of God. Judgement is reserved for the perfect Judge. But we are to be innocent as lambs, but as wise as the serpent. College men and women should be aware of their environment, and quick to guard against sin, while remaining caring to fellow sinners. We should remember Hosea’s wife and Mary of Bethany. Easier said then done.

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