Political Friction in a Marriage
March 10, 2016
A FEMALE reader writes from England:
I have been a reader of your site for some years now and I was hoping for your advice. Please feel free to place my letter on your website if you feel it would be helpful.
I have been married for five years to a wonderful man, we have children together and another on the way. We try to cultivate healthy, natural gender roles in which he acts as provider and head of the family.
However, I have noticed our political leanings cause division between us. I am a good deal more conservative then he is. He doesn’t like to discuss politics or moral matters as he finds them stressful. I (hopefully) respect this and try not to initiate conversations about them. But he continues to consume liberal media, particularly podcasts, within earshot and I find it incredibly hard not to respond to them. I cannot accept his claim that such things as the European migrant crisis have no impact on our daily lives.
I am also concerned about his uncritical attitude to the media our children consume. I cannot hold my tongue when the mental health of my children is threatened by anti-white, anti-male and anti-Christian material. He is very dismissive of my concerns and has said I am no better than an ‘ISIS bride’ for having them.
One incident which stands out in my mind occurred when I was very heavily pregnant with our youngest child. I was pursued at night, while alone, by a Romanian woman who was demanding money. I mentioned this to him in private. The next day he invited his very liberal friends for dinner. After eating the meal I had prepared for them, he began to relate the incident to them. All three berated me for my ignorance (none of them seemed to consider that being heavily pregnant would mean I was easily made anxious) and had a good laugh at my expense. Not at all sure how to respond, I left the room. This caused further friction as my husband claimed I had ’embarrassed’ him and refused to sleep in our bedroom.
I am not looking for validation for my actions (after raising them in another conservative forum it was suggested that I should leave him!) as I love him very deeply and wish to understand him further. But these difficulties are affecting my trust in him and my attraction to him.
Many thanks and greetings from England.
Laura writes:
Greetings, and thank you for your trust.
Your desire to do the right thing and your alarm at the idea that you should leave you husband show what a fine wife and mother you are.
What you are experiencing is not as uncommon as you might think. Often the husband is more “conservative” than the wife, but there have been many successful marriages between people with divergent views. Fatherhood and motherhood change us and sometimes radically alter our thinking, perhaps one spouse more than the other.
Part of your role as the heart of the home is to be sensitive to the tone of society. Your husband might be more reluctant to challenge or question prevailing ideas because of his work. Perhaps he has less time to mull over things and certain conclusions might affect his ability to get along with coworkers or to feel a sense of peace there. Or he might by temperament be more fearful and find unconventional opinions threatening. Whatever he is, you must have had good reasons for choosing him as your spouse.
The most important thing is to ask God for the wisdom to love your husband well. Humble yourself at the foot of the Cross, which is exactly where you belong. Ask for patience, understanding and wisdom. Refrain from argumentativeness. Don’t indulge in unrealistic hopes of changing him. Perhaps he will change and perhaps he will not, but keep yourself from undue anxiety and know that whatever he thinks you can preserve your family together. Place your trust and confidence in God.
The views of those who don’t agree with you can truly work to your betterment, forcing you to sharpen your thinking privately, acquire a spirit of detachment and free yourself from the opinions of others. Look for the good in what your husband and his friends believe, as there certainly is good in it, and at the same time look for the truth. Search for friends with whom you can share your ideas and concerns freely in ways that do not interfere with your marriage or family life. Try to build a full life. Your marriage is not a fusion of two individuals. It’s a sacred union of two distinct personalities. You are meant to love a person who is different from you.
Take the insensitivity you experienced, especially the cruelty when you were heavily pregnant and asked for sympathy, and convert it into a positive thing. It can make you more compassionate and sensitive, including compassionate toward those who are lacking in compassion. Rejoice in being rejected. This is absolutely part of your path to enlightenment, not a deviation from it at all.
I wish you all the best in your important vocations as wife and mother. Patience in all things is essential.
— Comments —
S.N. writes:
Reading of this woman’s situation (“Political Friction in a Marriage”) immediately reminded me of a book by Elisabeth LeSeur: “My Spirit Rejoices: The Diary of a Christian Soul in an Age of Unbelief.” LeSeur was a devout wife of an atheist husband in France. He often ridiculed her beliefs before others and gave her a very hard time. It is an amazing book. It might help your reader just to see what kind of practices gave Elisabeth strength in this similar situation.
And I would encourage the reader to pray constantly for her husband. Her fidelity is heroic.
Laura writes:
Thank you for the recommendation. I have never heard of the book, but will search it out too.
Hurricane Betsy writes:
It’s a sacred union of two distinct personalities. You are meant to love a person who is different from you.
Different from each other doesn’t mean different in all respects.
There is enough difference and potential for conflict in just being a man and a woman, never mind adding to it by political disagreement. Your political views, if they are based in knowledge and understanding of political systems (not just superficial), reflect your essence. Yes, they really do.
I hope things go all right for this couple, which they likely will. With the added responsibility of another child, the husband will probably come to his senses. You’re right – pray, while continuing to do the work in front of you.
Laura writes:
There may be deeper religious division between the original commenter and her husband. This is a very serious issue and will grow even more serious as her children get older. Here is a good catechism page on the Catholic faith.
Margaret writes:
My deepest empathy for the mother’s post about her marriage. I am always alarmed when people argue for divorce. She is right to stay and to display patience and love. Our culture loves endings.
I was intrigued by your comment that the rejection is part of her path to enlightenment. Of course I understand basically what you mean, but this is a point often overlooked in these sorts of situations. Often, marriage advice that doesn’t advocate for divorce focuses on “finding the good” in bad situations or a husband or wife who is hurting their spouse. Obviously that is good advice, but there is also a positive aspect (spiritually speaking) to being hurt by others, even a trusted spouse, or by a situation. I was wondering if you could elaborate on this a bit.
Laura writes:
I just meant that God has permitted this to happen and it is not a detour if she approaches it in the right way, but a path to where He wants her to be. Years from now she will look back and understand why it all happened this way and just how He was lovingly looking out for her and her family. Lorenzo Scupoli in his book Spiritual Combat wrote:
If you wish to enter by this gate of humility (for there is no other entrance), you must toil and make every effort, especially in the beginning to embrace tribulation and adversity — desiring to be despised by all and to have no one who entertains a favorable opinion of you, or brings you comfort, but your God. Fix deeply in your heart the impression that God alone is your God, your only Refuge, and that all things else are thorns to you, which will wound you, if you press them to your heart.
And if some affront is offered you, be very glad of it, and bear it with joy, being assured, that, because of it, God is with you. Desire no other honor, and seek nothing else but to suffer for love of Him, and whatever may redound to His greater glory. Strive to rejoice when other use injurious, reproachful, or contemptuous words toward you, for great treasure lies hidden under the dust, and if you willingly accept it, you will soon find yourself rich, even though the one who has enriched you is unconscious of the benefit he has been the means of conferring upon you.
[…]
Be on your guard against yourself, as the greatest enemy you have. Do not follow your own will,your own disposition, or your own judgment, if you would not destroy yourself. For this purpose you have need of arms to defend yourself against yourself. And when your will craves anything — however right it may be — always place it first, detached and naked and with deep humility, before your Lord, beseeching Him that not your will, but His may be done in it. And do this with desires wholly mortified, and without any admixture of self-love, knowing that you are nothing and can do nothing of yourself. [Spiritual Combat, Lorenzo Scupoli; Sophia Institute Press, Manchester, New Hampshire, 2002; pp. 184-85]
Tough advice for all of us, but very wise.
TK writes:
This reminded me of my sister-in-law. She is very conservative and her husband is a liberal. During the Bush/Kerry election cycle, a Kerry/Edwards sign ended up in her yard. She promptly marched out, took it down and used it as the front doormat, making sure to wipe her muddy feet on it real good.
Joseph A. writes:
When reading your English reader’s story, I thought about St. Monica, whose fidelity, virtue, and piety eventually converted her pagan husband, who moreover did not have a sterling character in life. Political disagreement appears paltry in comparison. Your reader may find inspiration in the saint’s life.
In addition, I think that it is helpful to remember that it is unrealistic to expect the vast majority of people to be wise in matters of political philosophy. Democracy is the cause of this unrealistic expectation, but constitutions of state do not alter the constitution of human nature. We do not get angry when seven year olds propose silly ideas about physics. We should similarly not be alarmed that most people hold stupid opinions about matters of state. That is to be expected. What is alarming is that the masses have significant political power — at least in their ability to empower demagogues. I expect the idol of democracy to plague our people for many more generations, but we need not harden our hearts toward our neighbors as a result . . . though during the election season, the amount of insanity does try the soul.
The female reader writes:
The advice you gave was both practical and comforting, thank you. Thank you to your readers too, especially for those who made recommendations for inspirational reading.
I didn’t consider the possibility that my husband could be finding it difficult to maintain a professional life and think too deeply about the political situation in Europe.
Laura writes:
You’re welcome.
Anonymous writes:
It is difficult to take quiet time alone in the midst of family life, but I hope you can spend time each day in praise and worship. The need to worship seems ingrained in people; notice the adulation of people in movies and sports, etc. We have One far better: God is love, and as it has been said, we become like what we worship. In my own life I have found the more I worship Him, the more I love Him and the easier it is to love the people in my life. Gratitude becomes part of my being. This is the only real way I know to recharge myself for the challenges each day, to renew myself in Him.
Something that has helped with worship is to underline the statements of praise in the Bible, for example in Psalms and Revelation, and pray them aloud. I also come across verses to pray for my family and others. I hope you will find that your strength is renewed in Him.
March 14, 2016
Paul writes:
No way should a Catholic wife submit to harassment by her husband. I can guarantee that my Catholic mother would have given my Catholic father hell over the nonsense about ISIS and the dinner disgracefulness. They were both traditionalists. They had everyday disputes, not philosophical, theological, or political disputes.
The husband at issue humiliated his wife. It needs correction, or it will get worse. I have no doubt that my mother would have verbally attacked my Daddy or thrown her dinner at him or both, in public. Bullies, no matter how sweet and apologetic they can be, are still bullies; they don’t get the message unless punched square in the nose, even if it is just orally. He needs to be read the riot act. Catholic women are permitted to leave abusive husbands, but they must remain chaste, quite a challenge to us. But in my view, this is preferable than living with a bully.
My parents stayed together until my Daddy died fifty-seven years later. They remained together in part because my mother did not put up with nonsense, and my wonderful Daddy knew it. Ma was very smart, being a child of a genius. Nobody could argue with her successfully. He changed the subject; and I would watch and become irritated at his behavior. She let me pursue my case, but she either won or we would drop it when she said “enough.” Oh she put up with his banking conventions in which he partied hardy with women and with his local partying at his bank functions. She knew him and wrote it off because she was Catholic; she was family oriented. They loved one another and their children and would stop before ending the marriage. So though Laura’s advice is sound, there is an alternative. The key is love, respectfulness from my perspective.
Here is justification. In addition, see the Catholic Catechism, article 2383: The separation of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases provided for by canon law. If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense.
Laura writes:
I agree that he humiliated her, but that’s possibly because he and his friends knew she was right. I think that was probably what was going on. While a wife should not just accept bullying, turning a marriage into an ongoing political brawl is mistake. She should be so confident in her views as to accept derision. Her husband is part of the surrounding culture. Some husbands might change if they have their dinner thrown at them, but others will not and it could only make things worse.
If he is guilty of other serious bullying behavior, then she has to be prepared to distance herself from him in various ways. But that should be done calmly and without anger, without the misguided insistence on justice. She’s challenging the way he thinks and it is understandable that this is hard for him.
