HEATHER S. writes:

I have been reading and enjoying your blog for some time, but have never commented. However, this topic strikes so close to home.

I’m not surprised to learn that one in four women may be on mood-stabilizing drugs. I attended a large university and majored in engineering, because I had a small talent for math and science, and because my parents and teachers, and whole culture, find it so impressive when women enter traditionally masculine fields.

It broke me.

Desperate for an outlet of some sort, I joined an engineering sorority. There were about 30 members, and I learned that three of us had had to spend weeks at a time in psychiatric wards. That’s ten percent of the female engineering students I knew. Ten percent locked away, too depressed and anxious to function, kept on suicide watch, because they were women trying to live and think and act as men.

I am lucky.  I burned out quickly, I didn’t even graduate.  I married a good man (an engineer!) who encouraged me to take the time to heal.  We have two children so far, and I am lucky to stay at home with them.  I’m looking forward to homeschooling.  I know that I’m on the right path, because I never feel anxious or depressed.  Rather I feel fulfilled and blessed.

Laura, I can’t thank you enough for your blog.  I am 27 and married, with two children – practically a freak by my old classmates’ standards!  I do need help and encouragement from time to time, and I find it in your writing.  And my husband and I used to be atheists.  We’re converting to Catholicism, in no small part thanks to you.

Laura writes:

Thank you for your kindness in writing.

— Comments —

Anne writes:

This sounds very similar to a college roommate of mine. She was brilliant and enrolled in our university’s college of engineering, to much acclaim. I think it broke her too, but she kept that fact hidden. She unraveled academically and did not graduate, though kept that fact secret to everyone, including her parents. Because she married a man she met in college and quickly produced four children in five years, no one really questioned her lack of ambition in the engineering world. Her ambition was channeled into the achievement of creating life, to much acclaim, of course. Those darling babies! Then reality set in and the real work of caring for these little souls while her husband focused on his career set in. She was often depressed.

Now, after 18 years, the pressure of being the sole breadwinner in a post-recession world has broken her husband. He has been unemployed and delusional for the past year. They are living on his dwindling retirement savings, which was to be their future. She is frantic with worry, but has no marketable skills of her own, and took a job as a salesclerk over the holidays to have some small income for groceries.

It is a sad tale, all because she was suckered in by the prevailing message of the zeitgeist when we were girls, the message that said, “You can be just as good as the boys. You can do everything they can do!” Rah. Rah.

I am angered, even now, by that message. Of course woman CAN do what men do–they have human brains, after all; but the psychic toll on a woman can be enormous. What angers me is the presumption that the achievements of men are the gold standard for women. “You can be just as good as the boys!” Right. As if there were anything wrong with the feminine spirit to begin with.

Every family situation is different, but I would encourage Heather S. to find the time, even as an at-home-mother, to pursue part-time study in a more “caring” field, that will fulfill her instincts but also leave her able to support her family in the event of misfortune. No one should have to experience the crippling fear and anxiety at mid-life that my friend is experiencing.

 Laura writes:

Thanks for your comments.

Then reality set in and the real work of caring for these little souls while her husband focused on his career set in. She was often depressed.

 The work of running a home and caring for a family is hard. It’s not supposed to be easy.

No one should have to experience the crippling fear and anxiety at mid-life that my friend is experiencing. 

No one should have to experience sickness and death either. But these are a part of life. God will provide or help us cope with poverty.

Behold the birds of the air, for they neither sow, nor do they reap, nor gather into barns: and your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are not you of much more value than they? Matthew 6:26

I don’t think it is possible for Heather to homeschool, raise more children if they come, take care of a home and prepare for another career all at the same time. Let’s just say, it wouldn’t be easy. But when her children are older and done school, she could perhaps do the last if she must. She is still young. It is more important for her to concentrate on her family and spiritual life now.

As for your friend, they have their children, who can help them in old age. It is very hard to be in the situation she is in, but no matter what happens she will not regret having raised her children and done the right thing by them.

What angers me is the presumption that the achievements of men are the gold standard for women. “You can be just as good as the boys!” Right. As if there were anything wrong with the feminine spirit to begin with.

Exactly.

Sean writes:

Hopefully Heather can find a Latin Mass to attend and get catechized there as well. It would be a terrific headstart for her and her growing family.

Tyro writes:

I think I can comment on this having attended an engineering college for both undergrad and graduate school. Perhaps it was the transition from a sheltered life in high school vs. college, but the amount of mental illness I encountered was staggering, among both men and women. The difficulty of graduating meant that there was an extensive community of “dropouts” who still spent time around campus. Unfortunately, engineering has become distinguished for being extremely difficult while not offering commensurate rewards, either monetarily or emotionally/professionally. At best a defense contractor salary might offer steady employment and a decent lifestyle in a decent exurb, but anything that doesn’t require American citizenship is quickly being outsourced. Among both men and women, I see people with science and engineering backgrounds transitioning either to patent law, finance, management consulting, or medicine, all of which have both greater rewards and, because of this, more even gender ratios than engineering itself.

Engineering is considered by most businesses as a “cost,” not a revenue enhancer. Thus, most businesses try to minimize their costs. Engineering is difficult and challenging, and it had a reputation in the past as being “the profession of the future”, which is why so many people encourage students to pursue the field. However, the tradeoffs you make in pursuit of that profession are things that no one tells you about. It’s one of those professions that, if you have a passion for it, can be a fulfilling job, but if you don’t have an absolute passion for it, your time will be better spent doing something else. Sure I can name some brilliant women engineers, and they love it, but for men and women, if you’re going to pick something in life to make a living at, and you are flexible about what that is, you might as well pick a profession that isn’t as psychologically taxing and values your time.

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