My Pal Artie and the Pesticides
ALAN writes:
Who should I meet the other day in the pesticides department of my neighborhood hardware store but my old pal Artie Schopenhauer.
“How ya dune, Artie?” I said to him.
“Could be better, Allie,” he said, adding that he couldn’t find what he was looking for.
“And what might that be?” I asked him, knowing that Artie had a longstanding habit of shopping in supermarkets and riding public transit vehicles.
“I’m looking for the giant economy-sized aerosol cans of Noise Neutralizer and Feminist Repellant, guaranteed to repel Feminoids, Noiseniks, airheads, gigglers, and other pests,” Artie said. “See those gaps on the shelves? That means they’re all sold out. I hope they get a new shipment in soon. I couldn’t survive more than a few days without them. They are two of the few remaining threads by which my existence hangs in the balance.”
“I take it that the Noiseniks and Feminist Harpies have been annoying you lately?” I said to him.
“Annoying me!?!!! Ha, ha, ha. That’s a good one! Foolish American men swallowing the poison called Feminism have given me many good laughs. You and I cannot alter that suicidal trend. But in the practical realm of daily life, we can try to repel the Feminoid beasts and neutralize the horrid noises they emit.
“I can remember a time—you may not believe this—when a body could shop for groceries without being assaulted every three minutes by recordings of Feminoid voices exuding LOVE AND COMPASSION and reciting Mommyisms like “WEAR YOUR MASK” and “KEEP YOUR DISTANCE” and “THANK YOU FOR LOOKING OUT FOR EVERYONE ELSE.” (more…)
